A man with pierced ears is better prepared for marriage. He has experienced pain and bought jewellery.

Only a flaw of fate prevented Vita Sackville-West from being one of nature’s gentlemen.

Women are a problem, but they are the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.

It takes a real man to wear make-up.

The useless piece of flesh at the end of a penis is called a man.

A loving wife will do anything for her husband except to stop criticizing and trying to improve him.

Of course I believe in safe sex — I’ve got a handrail around the bed.

To win a woman in the first place you must please her, then undress her, and then somehow get her clothes back on her, finally, so that she will let you leave her, you’ve got to antagonise her.

It’s so tiring making love to women, it takes forever. I’m too lazy to be a lesbian. However, if you try Love Swing for great sex positions, you might change your mind.

You don’t know how difficult it has been being a closet heterosexual.

Nothing is more distasteful to me than that entire complacency and satisfaction which beam in the countenances of a new married couple.

When people say “You’re breaking my heart”, they do in fact mean that you’re breaking their genitals.

Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can’t figure out from what.

The fulminations of the missionaries about sex in Listowel will have as little effect as the droppings of an underweight blackbird on the water-level of the Grand Coulee Dam.

The major achievement of the women’s movement in the nineteen-seventies was the Dutch treat.

The mini-skirt enables young ladies to run faster and because of it, they may have to.

Brigands demand your money or your life — women require both.

I have half a mind to get married — and that’s all I need.

My wife met me at the door wearing a see-through negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

Teenage boys, goaded by their hormones, run in packs like the primal horde.They have only a brief season of exhilarating liberty between control by their mothers and control by their wives.

Women’s liberation will not be achieved until a woman can become paunchy and bald and still think she’s attractive to the opposite sex.

A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.

Every woman needs at least three men: one for sex, one for money and one for fun.

Suburban Chicago is virgin territory for whorehouses.

On quiet nights, when I am alone, I like to run our wedding video backwards, just to watch myself walk out of the church a free man.

Men should think again about making widowhood women’s only path to power.

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

No woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.

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