Speed Dating Events

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

All the unhappy marriages come from husbands having brains.What good are brains to a man? They only unsettle him.

A homely face and no figure have aided many a woman heavenward.

All the world loves a lover — unless he’s in a telephone booth.

Pandora and I are in love! It is official! She told Claire Neilson, who told Nigel who told me.

There is little wife-swopping in suburbia. It is unnecessary, the females all being so similar.

Funny how a wife can spot a blonde hair at twenty yards, yet miss the garage doors.

If a man stays away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

The best way to get a husband to do anything is to suggest that he is too old to do it.

I can always find plenty of women to sleep with me but the kind of woman that is really hard for me to find is a typist who can read my writing.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

A woman is the second most important item in a bedroom.

This book is dedicated to my brilliant and beautiful wife without whom I would be nothing. She always comforts and consoles, never complains or interferes, asks nothing and endures all. She also writes my dedications.

My sex life is now reduced to fan letters from an elderly lesbian who wants to borrow $800.

Marry me Dorothy and you’ll be farting through silk.

I met the ornithology correspondent of the Irish Times, a very prim and proper lady, one cold winter’s afternoon and I said to her: “How’s the blue tits today, missus?”

A bore is a man in love with another woman.

A man will marry a woman because he needs a mother he can communicate with.

She is in love with her own husband — monstrous, what a selfish woman.

A husband should tell his wife everything that he is sure she will find out anyway and before anybody else does.

I’m quite happy with my mistress. She goes to bed with others because she loves them, but for money — only with me.

Telling a teenager the facts of life is like giving a fish a bath.

Never despise what it says in the women’s magazines: it may not be subtle but neither are the men.

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but unfortunately, there’s never one around.

Never trust a man with testicles.

A very little wit is valued in a woman, as we are pleased with a few words spoken plain by a parrot.

Marriage is but for a little while. It is alimony that is forever.

There are four sexes: men, women, clergymen and journalists.

The only way to get rid of cockroaches is to tell them you want a long-term relationship.

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