Speed Dating Events

When a couple has a fight, there is no real winner.

Oh, one of you might make your point— or manage to score points off the other. But it’s a hollow victory at best. Ultimately, when a couple fights, they’re not solving problems; they’re creating them.

“Fighting is a way to express yourself”. Until you fully express yourself emotionally, it will be difficult to shift to problem-solving mode.

Don’t misunderstand—while we’re against fighting, there’s nothing wrong with conflict. “Conflict is natural when two people live closely and try to communicate their points of view”. “While successful conflict allows each person to air their opinions and grievances, fighting tends to deteriorate into ugly behavior that can be hurtful and destructive.”

In Fair Territory

“Even those of us with the very best intentions and the very best communication skills end up fighting. In fact, one of the most reassuring things you’ll ever hear a therapist or marriage educator say is that everyone argues, everyone has misunderstandings—even therapists who know all the rules for resolving conflict fairly”.

That said, if you’re having a dispute, you ought to follow some basic guidelines. Consider the following a Geneva Convention of couple warfare. Follow it, and you will be more likely to stay focused on the issues that need to be hashed out now and then while avoiding doing any lasting damage to one another or your relationship.

Accept the inevitable.

First, you and your partner have to acknowledge the truth of the situation—everyone fights. If that’s so, you’d best accept it so that you can learn to fight fairly. “One of the great obstacles couples have to overcome is the fear of disagreement,” “They think that if they fight, it’s a sign that they’re not meant to be together. But, in fact, arguing about things—fairly, honestly, with respect for one another—is healthy. It prevents frustration and resentment from building up, and it’s one of the best ways couples can come to a resolution about the issues that concern them.” If something bothers you, don’t bury it, don’t explode, but do come right out and say it. Be specific and always come at a touchy issue from the viewpoint of how it makes you feel. Don’t attack her by saying, “You are the most anal-retentive woman on the planet!” Say, “When you tell me I have to arrange the shoes in my closet according to color and style, I feel confined and controlled.”

“Explaining how an action makes you feel, rather than resorting to a general comment about your partner’s behavior, is always more constructive and will ultimately be more satisfying”.

Know when to compromise.

“In marriage, everything is a compromise. It’s not a bad thing”. While you may have been brought up to always win at everything you do, you’ll find that a compromising attitude, not a winning one, will serve you in good stead in — a relationship. “If you feel like you’re always doing things her way, or vice versa, one of you is going o be unhappy and feel frustrated in the relationship. And that’s going to come back on the other person. But the more you can work to meet each other halfway on various issues, the more balanced the relationship will be”.

Don’t put her down.

And don’t denigrate her actions or feelings. This does not mean that you cannot disagree. It means that you learn to disagree while respecting your partner’s feelings and positions as bein
g as valid as your own. You can do this by practicing “I” statements instead of “you” statements. That is, “I am angry that you didn’t pick me up after work like you said you would,” instead of, “You are an inconsiderate, self-centered, undependable airhead.” See the difference?

The second attacks her character. Expressing feelings, as in the first approach, invites and leads to intimacy, he says. Attacking character destroys it and pushes the person away.

Learn her language.

Men have a tendency to respond to the words being spoken rather than to what feelings are being communicated, says Beaver. Often, though, words are window dressing and the feelings are the point, he says. We need to makean effort to zero in on feelings and comment on them rather than on the words and concepts being communicated, he advises.

For example, “you sound angry” will probably yield a quicker understanding and more positive resolution than “you’ve totally misinterpreted what I said.” Why? Because “you sound angry” acknowledges a feeling, while “you’ve totally misinterpreted” escalates conflict through argument and attacks the other person’s reasoning abilities.

to be continued

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