The truly modern woman, however, does not just timidly bleat ‘marry me’, with a great big question mark. As imagined by the irreplaceable Joe Orton in his black comedy, Loot, she moves swiftly in on the kill, then goes for the jugular with the grace of a panther.

Fay has been the resident nurse during the last illness of

McLeavy’s wife:

FAY: You’ve been a widower for three days. Have you considered a second marriage yet?

MCLEAVY: A second wife would be a physical impossibility.

FAY: I’ll hear none of that. My last husband at sixty came through with flying colours. Three days after ourwedding he was performing extraordinary feats . . You must marry a girl with youth and vitality. I can visualize her — medium height, slim, fair hair. A regular visitor to some place of worship. And an ex- member of the League of Mary.

Speed Dating Events

MCLEAVY: Someone like yourself

FAY: Exactly.

Meanwhile the late Mrs McLeavy lies downstage left in her coffin, awaiting the attentions of the undertaker and his henchmen. As Fay presses on with her plan, it’s plain to see why Orton was dubbed ‘the Oscar Wilde of welfare state gentility’. Mrs McLeavy has left all her money to Fay. McLeavy, now dispossessed as well as bereaved, objects:

MCLEAVY: Couldn’t you just give it to me?

FAY: Think of the scandal.

MCLEAVY: What do you suggest, then?

FAY: We must have a joint bank account.

MCLEAVY: Wouldn’t that cause an even bigger scandal? FAY: Not if we were married.

MCLEAVY: Married? But then you’d have my money as well as Mrs McLeavy’s.

FAY: That’s one way of looking at it.

MCLEAVY: No. I’m too old. My health wouldn’t stand up to a young wife.

FAY: I’m a qualified nurse.

MCLEAVY: You’d have to give up your career.

FAY: Id do it for you.

MCLEAVY: I can give you nothing in return.

FAY: I ask for nothing. I’m a woman. Only half the human race can say that without fear of contradiction. Go ahead. Ask me to marry you. I’ve no intention of refusing. On your knees. I’m a great believer in traditional positions.

MCLEAVY: The pains in my legs.

FAY: Exercise is good for them. Use any form of proposal you like. Try to avoid abstract nouns.

MCLEAVY: Mrs McLeavy is keeping her Maker waiting. I’ll pay my addresses to you after the interment.

The echoes of Oscar Wilde heard here continue to sound throughout the rest of the play, where a flurry of proposals and counter-proposals ensues before the situation is resolved. Joe Orton was no mere imitator. How close he came to the exchanges of real life is demonstrated by a tangy extract from Joan Collins’ raunchy autobiography, Past Imperfect. Here she describes her success in proposing to the film magnate Arthur Loewe Jr:

The gossip columnists had started hinting that we were on the verge of matrimony — well, why not? It seemed like a good idea at the time. I broached the subject . . .

. . if you don’t want me to date other guys, we ought to get engaged or something.’

`Engaged!’ he looked flabbergasted. ‘You’ve only been divorced five minutes. You’ve been saying for a year that you don’t EVER want to get married again, so why do you want to get engaged, for Christ’s sake?’

`Don’t you want to?’ I said calmly, lighting a Pall Mall and blowing furious smoke rings.

`It isn’t that I don’t want to, Babee,’ he slumped beside me and entwined his long bony fingers in mine. ‘I just don’t know if I can be faithful to you for that length of time.’

I looked at him with growing consternation. ‘You mean you want to fuck around?’

`Spoken like the Queen of England,’ he said drily . .

Joan didn’t get her man this time. But after she won the serious movie role of a tormented novice in Sea Wife, and he satirically rechristened the film I Fucked A Nun, she went off the idea anyway!

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