Speed Dating Events

I am not bald — my head is just a solar panel for a sex machine.

If women dressed for men, the clothes stores wouldn’t sell much — just an occasional sun visor.

Anyone who calls it sexual intercourse can’t possibly be interested in doing it.You might as well announce you’re ready for lunch by proclaiming,”I’d like to do some masticating and enzyme secreting.”

Sex is a bad thing because it crumples the bedclothes.

Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermists.

I always run into strong women who are looking for weak men to dominate them.

Sleeping with Aldous Huxley was like being crawled over by slugs.

My girlfriend told me she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

You know what I did before I got married? Anything I wanted to.

If God had meant them to be lifted and separated, He would have put one on each shoulder.

From best sellers to comic books, any child who hasn’t acquired an extensive sex education by the age of twelve belongs in remedial reading.

The avowed purpose of pornography is to excite sexual desire which is unnecessary in the case of the young, inconvenient in the case of the middle aged and impossible in the case of the old.

If you love a man, set him free. If he comes back, it means he’s forgotten his sandwiches.

I haven’t heard of many girls being attracted by poor old men.

In high school I would have killed for reliable information on the uterus. But having discussed it at length and seen full colour diagrams, I must say it has lost much of its charm, although I still respect it a great deal as an organ.

Do I lift weights? Sure. Every time I stand up.

Boy, am I exhausted. I went on a double date the other night and the other girl didn’t turn up.

Your spouse should be attractive enough to turn you on. Anything more is trouble.

My wife and I have a great relationship. I love sex and she‘ll do anything to get out of the kitchen.

I wanted to marry her ever since I saw the moonlight shining on the barrel of her father’s shotgun.

A man without a woman is like a moose without a hatrack.

There are men I could spend eternity with — but not this life.

I learned about sex from my mother. I asked her where babies came from and she thought I said rabies. She said from a dog bite and a week later a lady on our block gave birth to triplets. I thought she had been bitten by a Great Dane.

When I got back from my third honeymoon, I just couldn’t understand why my husband wanted to come into the house with me. I was just about to say, “Thanks for a nice time”.

Women now expect men to watch them have babies.This is called natural childbirth.

It is said of me that when I was young, I divided my time impartially among wine, women and song. I deny this categorically. Ninety per cent of my interests were women.

Between them the two men had a sperm count smaller than Cheltenham Ladies’ College.

I knew Elizabeth Taylor when she didn’t know where her next husband was coming from.

I am ninety-five. I still chase girls but I can’t remember why.

From my experience of life I believe my personal motto should be “Beware of men bearing flowers“.

My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I’ve got another three goes.

Having a baby is one of the hardest and most strenuous things known to man.

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