I was walking down Soho when a young lady asked if I would sleep with her for fifty dollars. Well, I wasn’t tired, but I thought the money would come in handy.

If you think you’re in love just think of him sitting on the lavatory. If you still love him, marry him.

In the Forties, to get a girl, you had to be a GI or a jock. In the Fifties, to get a girl, you had to be Jewish. In the Sixties, to get a girl, you had to be black. In the Seventies, to get a girl, you have to be a girl.

My girlfriend told me I was immature emotionally, sexually and intellectually. I said, ‘Yes, but in what other ways?’

I got married the second time in the same way that when a murder is committed, crackpots turn up at the police station to confess the crime.

A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers.

I went into a feminist bookstore the other day. I looked more female than anybody in there.

If her dress had pockets my wife would look like a pool table.

Lulubelle, it’s you! I didn’t recognise you standing up.

I must marry — if only to get to bed at a reasonable hour.

Marriage is when a woman asks a man to remove his pyjamas because she wants to send them to the laundry.

A woman told me she would fulfill my ultimate fantasy for L100. I asked her to paint my house.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.

When we were dating we spent most of our time talking about sex — why I couldn’t do it, where we could do it, were her parents going to go out so we could do it. Now that we’re married, we’ve got nothing to talk about.

My girlfriend has lovely coloured eyes. I particularly like the blue one.

I wish I had the experience that some woman had killed herself for love of me. The women who have admired me have all insisted on living on, long after I have ceased to care for them.

I’ve trusted men all my life and I’ve never been deceived yet — except by my husbands and they don’t count.

I knew I was in love. First of all, I was very nauseous.

I was incredible in bed last night. I never once had to sit up and consult the manual. Sex Sling done the magic.

The charms of a passing woman are usually in direct proportion to the speed of her passing.

I’ve often been chased by women but never while I was awake.

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