I like my lovers to be female, human and alive, but in a pinch, I’ll take any two out of three.

Love is just a system for getting someone to call you darling after sex.

A lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers — damn anthropologists.

None of us can boast much about the morality of our ancestors: the records do not show that Adam and Eve were married.

One of the most difficult things in this world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

If your husband has difficulty in getting to sleep, the words, “We need to talk about our relationship” may help.

The worst aspect of marriage is that it makes a woman believe that other men are just as easy to fool.

It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

If you like to have sex, you can try Love Swing to practice Kama Sutra sex positions and Sex Sling Sex Furniture for better G-Spot penetration.

A man should marry only a very pretty woman in case he ever wants some other man to take her off his hands.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are basically portable heaters that snore.

I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.

I never met a woman that, if you got to know her, didn’t want to squeeze your pimples.

Some women think bikinis are immodest, while others have beautiful figures.

Women inspire men to great undertakings and then distract us from carrying them out.

My dog was my only friend. I told my wife that every man needs at least two friends, so she bought me another dog.

After a man is married he has the legal right to deceive only one woman.

When my jokes are explained to her and she has the leisure to reflect on them, she laughs very heartily.

Changeable women are more endurable than monotonous ones; they are sometimes murdered but rarely deserted.

Few men know how to kiss well — fortunately, I’ve always had time to teach them.

A widower enjoys a second wife as much as a widow enjoys her husband’s life insurance.

I would like to announce that the notice I put in this newspaper last week was in error. I will be responsible for any debts incurred by my wife. And I will start paying them as soon as I get out of hospital.

The penalty for getting the woman is that you must keep her.

Women have a hard enough time in this world — telling them the truth would be too cruel.

When a man goes crazy, his wife is the first to know it and the last to admit it.

A man finds it awfully hard to lie to the woman he loves — the first time.

If I ever marry, it will be on a sudden impulse — as a man shoots himself.

When you consider what a chance women have to poison their husbands, it’s a wonder there isn’t more of it done.

In my day, hot pants were something we had, not wore. If you haven’t seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven’t seen her smile her prettiest.

A woman who takes her husband about with her everywhere is like a cat that goes on playing with a mouse long after she’s killed it.

An elderly actress I once knew had a claim to fame. She had been seduced by a man with a wooden leg in the Garden of Gethsemane.

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