Speed Dating Events

Western women tend to be more unrealistic about marriage than their sisters around the world. Films and television have made them feel that romantic excitement is not only a birthright, but it is elevated to the most important aspect of marriage. When this ‘feeling’ component of the relationship is missing, the family is doomed. It’ll just have to be scrapped. Not even the welfare of the children is important enough to preserve the marriage, and that is tragic.

Let me speak directly and boldly to the women who have seen themselves in similar example. With all due respect, my most difficult task may be to help you recognize yourselves as part of the problem. The angry women in the past have been so consumed by their husband’s disrespect and failures that they couldn’t acknowledge their role in his inability to respond. But certainly, they had helped to make him what he was.

Look at it this way. Verbal bludgeoning never made anyone more loving or sensitive. You simply can’t tear a man to pieces and then expect him to meet your emotional needs. He’s not made that way. Rather than attacking an unresponsive man and driving him away, there is a method of drawing him in your direction. It is accomplished by taking the pressure off him—by pulling backward a bit—by avoiding the worn-out accusations and complaints—by appearing to need him less—by showing appreciation for what he does right and for being fun to be with. Happiness is a marvellous magnet to the human personality.

Sometimes it is necessary to interject a challenge into the relationship in order to motivate a disengaged spouse.

A demeanour of self-confidence, mysterious quietness and independence are far more effective in getting attention than a frontal assault.

I remember a bright young lady Janet. She came to me because she seemed to be losing the affection of her husband. Frank appeared bored when he was at home and he refused to take her out with him. At weekends he went sailing with his friends despite the bitter protests of his wife. She had begged for his attention for months, but the slippage continued.

I hypothesized that Janet was invading Frank’s territory and needed to recapture the challenge that made him want to marry her. Thus, I suggested that she retreat into her own world—stop ‘reaching’ for him when he was at home—schedule some personal activities independently of his availability, etc. Simultaneously, I urged her to give him vague explanations about why her personality had changed. She was instructed not to display anger or discontent, allowing Frank to draw his own conclusions about what she was thinking. My purpose was to change his frame of reference. Instead of thinking, ‘How can I escape from this woman who is driving me crazy?’ I wanted him to wonder, ‘What’s going on? Am I losing Janet? Have I pushed her too far? Has she found someone else?’

The results were dramatic. About a week after the change of manner was instituted, Janet and Frank were at home together one evening. After several hours of uninspired conversation and yawns, Janet told her husband that she was rather tired and wanted to go to bed. She said goodnight matter-of-factly and went to her bedroom. About thirty minutes later, Frank threw open the door and turned on the light. He proceeded to make passionate love to her, later saying that he couldn’t stand the barrier that had come between them. It was precisely that barrier that Janet had complained about for months. Her approach had been so overbearing that she was driving him away from her. When she changed her direction, so also did Frank. It often happens that way.

Having raised the subject of sex, let me ask you an interesting question. Which marriage is likely to enjoy the greatest physical attraction, the steady-as-a-rock relationship or the one that runs hot and cold? Surprisingly, it is the one that varies from time to time. The highest voltage occurs not in the static marriage that is characterized by overfamiliarity, overexposure and demystification. According to Kinsey researchers, the healthiest relationship is one that ‘breathes’—one that drifts from a time of closeness and tenderness to a slightly more distant posture. That sets up another exciting reunion as the cycle continues. Couples that work or play together day after day are at a disadvantage compared to husbands and wives whose lifestyle takes them apart briefly and then brings them back together.

Do you see the relevance to our discussion? Those individuals who constantly hover over their partners, drawing their complete reason for existence from that one person, actually handicap the relationship. They interfere with the natural ‘breathing’ that proves to be so healthy over the years.

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