Speed Dating Events

Each day, instead of asking him questions about his day, she just told him about her day. To set this up she said, “When you get home, would you give me five minutes of your undivided attention? That’s all I need. I just want to tell you about my day. You don’t have to say anything. It would make me feel really good. If you would find me when you first get home or when I get home and ask me about my day, I would really love it.”

Steve easily said yes to five minutes, particularly if he didn‘t have to say anything. In the beginning he felt a lot of resistance but he did it anyway. He reasoned that it was only five minutes. They agreed that he didn‘t always have to do it. If, however, he didn‘t do it after a couple of days, in case he had forgotten she would say to him, “How was your day?” That was to be a code for “Is this a good time to talk?”

If he was willing to listen, he would say OK and then ask her about her day. Sometimes when she gave the coded message, even though he really resisted listening, he would generally go along with the request because he knew it would only be five minutes and that it was important to her.

Within a few weeks of her appreciating him for his willingness to do this, his resistance went away. After three months of doing this, Steve began to experience the fact that he really didn‘t have to say anything and she would feel better.

As he began to listen in a more relaxed way, he would sometimes also share about his day. She couldn’t believe it, but it really worked. She rarely had to initiate conversations because he got in the habit of listening to her talk about her day and eventually found it to be very relaxing, sometimes as relaxing as watching the news.

Remember, watching the news relaxes men because it allows them to shift focus from work problems to the problems of the world, which they don’t feel are their responsibility at the moment. When a man gradually learns to listen to his partner without feeling responsible for solving her problems, hearing her becomes as relaxing as watching the news. What allowed him to eventually remember to do it was Susan’s appreciation for his every step in the process.

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