Speed Dating Events

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the argument from men over the years, ” Jeez, all the guy was trying to do was ask the girl out. You know how girls say ‘no’ when they really mean ‘yes’?” or “If I had taken ‘no’ for an answer, my wife and I wouldn’t be married today!” When we were first trying to get the anti-stalking law passed in every state, I went on several television and radio shows.

I always met the same argument, either from defense attorneys, ACLU members or just men in general. None of them seemed to get the fact that the crime of stalking was a whole lot more than an innocent guy trying to woo a girl into courtship. Most people identify the crime of stalking with celebrities. Madonna, Steven Spielberg, and Gwyneth Paltrow all have been victims, but the truth is that stalking is a crime that can touch anyone.

While women are the primary targets, men can be victims as well.

A recent study conducted by the Department of Justice reported that 1 in 12 women and 1 in 45 men would be stalked at least once in their lives. The victims are usually between 19 and 39 years of age. Each year, more than 1 million women and 370,000 men become victims of stalking. Men are the primary perpetrators.

A stalker is defined by the California Penal Code as “any person who willfully, maliciously and repeatedly follows or harasses another person and who makes a credible threat with the intent to place that person in reasonable fear for his or her safety.” The bottom line is, if a person makes another person feel uncomfortable or fearful, the behavior is unacceptable and needs to be stopped.

We have come a long way legally since the crime of stalking was given a name. Unfortunately, many people in the general population still have a difficult time recognizing that this dangerous and harassing criminal act is serious. I know it took me a while to realize that my situation was threatening. Women are so used to men making unwanted advances, we have gotten numb to their annoying persistence. Therefore, a woman might find herself the focus of an unwanted pursuer. I kept thinking that the man who was stalking me was going to stop. After he was arrested with a semi-automatic weapon and told the police he wanted to kidnap me, I came to the conclusion that this was more than a little crush. Do not let denial replace good common sense. Recognizing early signals that someone is stalking you can be the key to nipping potential danger in the bud.

A great way to combat uncertainty is with wisdom. Learning more about the crime of stalking is a great way to combat the fear of being stalked. I was fortunate enough to learn from the best. I have been the guest speaker at the yearly conference for professionals in the threat assessment field and have done numerous training workshops with these true experts. Over the years I have worked closely with retired police lieutenant John Lane, who headed up the country’s first Threat Management Unit within the Los Angeles Police Department and founded the Association of Threat Assessment Professionals (ATAP). He now has his own private security company, the Omega Group. John, along with Dr. Michael Zona, one of the leading forensic psychologists on stalking; and Michael Eubanks, one of the founding members of ATAP, are some of the most experienced professionals in the field of stalking prevention. (You can pay me later, guys.) With this knowledge and through my own personal experience I feel comfortable talking freely and with a little bit of humor about this very serious subject.

Stalker Types: What Flavor Is He?

Many forensic psychologists believe there are different characteristics which define stalkers. Understanding these various types can help you assess your situation better.

There are four psychological definitions of stalkers. Unfortunately, stalkers are human, which means that even if you are able to classify a stalker, the strategic approach you might take will always be different. Now, I mean no disrespect to my forensic psychologist friends, but in addition to the clinical definitions, I have come up with some whimsical labels to help my fellow laypeople better understand these menacing deviants.

Vanilla (Simple Obsessional)

The stalker, usually male, knows the victim personally. For example: ex-lover, ex-spouse, or former employee. Like vanilla is a common ice cream flavor, Simple Obsessional is one of the most common types of stalkers. Most of these situations are related to domestic or workplace violence.

Strawberry (Love Obsessional)

The stalker is a stranger or casual acquaintance who becomes obsessed with the victim. A Love Obsessional is a little less common than a Simple Obsessional stalker, but still very familiar as stalking cases go; think of strawberry as the “love” part and, as an ice cream flavor, a close relation to vanilla.

Banana Nut (Erotomania)

The stalker, frequently female, falsely believes that the victim, usually someone famous or rich, is in love with her: Brad Pitt, Madonna, David Letterman. I believe the ice cream flavor speaks for itself.

Tutti Frutti (False Vicitmization Syndrome)

This is a conscious or unconscious desire to be placed in the role of a victim. In other words: pretending you are being stalked. This often is a woman who is trying to gain the attention of her ex, or a disturbed individual who sees this tactic as a way of getting noticed. Think of the phrase “Tutti has gone frutti” to helpyou remember this one.

In most cases, you would be dealing with either a Simple Obsessional or Love Obsessional stalker. All that means is that you either know the person or you don’t. It doesn’t make the situation better or worse. Understanding who the stalker is and why he is stalking you is the first step in “licking” the situation (to pursue the ice cream metaphor) and stopping the stalker “cold.”

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