Never? Not even “Let’s have coffee” or “Do you come here often?” Right, not even these seemingly harmless openers. Otherwise, how will you know if he spotted you first, was smitten by you and had to have you, or is just being polite?

We know what you’re thinking. We know how extreme such a rule must sound, not to mention snobbish, silly, and painful; but it makes perfect sense. After all, the premise of the rules is that we never make anything happen, that we trust in the natural order of things — namely, that man pursues woman.

By talking to a man first, we interfere with what ever was supposed to happen or not happen, perhaps causing a conversation or a date to occur that was never meant to be and inevitably getting hurt in the process. Eventually, he’ll talk to the girl he really wants and drop you.

Yet, we manage to rationalize this behavior by telling ourselves, “He’s shy” or “I’m just being friendly.” Are men really shy? We might as well tackle this question right now. Perhaps a therapist would say so, but we believe that most men are not shy, just not really, really interested if they don’t approach you. It’s hard to accept that, we know. It’s also hard waiting for the right one—the one who talks to you first, calls, and basically does most of the work in the beginning of the relationship because hemust have you.

It’s easy to rationalize women’s aggressive behavior in this day and age. Unlike years ago when women met men at dances and “coming out” parties and simply waited for one to pick them out of the crowd and start a conversation, today many women are accountants, doctors, lawyers, dentists, and in management positions. They work with men, for men, and men work for them. Men are their patients and their clients. How can a woman not talk to aman first?

This answer is to treat men you are interested in like any other client or patient or coworker, as hard as that may be. Let’s face it, when a woman meets a man she really likes, a lightbulb goes on in her head and she sometimes, without realizing it, relaxes, laughs, and spends more time with him than is necessary. She may suggest lunch to discuss something that could be discussed over the phone because she is hoping to ignite some romance. This is a common ploy. Some of the smartest women try to make things happen under the guise of business. They think they are too educated or talented to be passive, play games. They feel their diplomas and salaries entitle them to do more in life than wait for the phone to ring. These women, we assure you, always end up heartbroken when their forwardness is rebuffed. But why shouldn’t it be? Men know what they want. No one has to ask them to lunch.

So, the short of it is that if you meet men professionally, you still have to do your rules. You must wait until he brings up lunch or anything else beyond business. As we explain in Rule 17, the man must take the lead. Even if you are making the same amount of money as a man you are interested in, he must bring up lunch. If you refuse to accept that men and women are different romantically, even though they may be equal professionally, you will behave like men—talk to them first, ask for their phone number, invite them to discuss the case over dinner at your place—and drive them away. Such forwardness is very risky; sometimes we have seen it work, most of the time it doesn’t and it always puts the woman through hell emotionally. By not accepting the concept that the man must pursue the woman,

Women put themselves in jeopardy of being rejected or ignored, if not at the moment, then at some point in the future. We hope you never have to endure the following torture:

Our dentist friend Pam initiated a friendship with Robert when they met in dental school several years ago by asking him out to lunch. She spoke to him first. Although they later became lovers and even lived together, he never seemed really “in love” with her and her insecurity about the relationship never went away. Why would it? She spoke to him first. He recently broke up with her over something trivial. The truth is he never loved her. She would never have spoken to Robert or initiated anything in the first place. Had she followed her rules, she might have met someone else who truly wanted her. She would not have wasted time. Ruled girls don’t waste time.

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