Speed Dating Events

Here’s another example of a smart woman who broke her rules: Claudia, a confident Wall Street broker, spotted her future husband on the dance floor of a popular disco and planted herself next to him for a good five minutes. When he failed to make the first move, she told herself that he was probably shy or had two left feet and asked him to dance. The relationship has been filled with problems. She often complains that he’s as “shy” in the bedroom as he was that night on the dance floor.

A word about dances. It’s become quite popular these days for women to ask men to dance. Lest there is any doubt in your mind, this behavior is totally against your rules. If a man doesn’t bother to walk across the room to seek you out and ask you to dance, then he’s obviously not interested and asking him to dance won’t change his feelings or rather his lack of feelings for you. He’ll probably be flattered that you asked and dance with you just to be polite and he might even want to have sex with you that night, but he won’t be crazy about you. Either he didn’t notice you or you made it too easy. He never got the chance to pursue you and this fact will always permeate the relationship even if he does ask you out.

We know what you’re thinking: what am I supposed to do all night if no one asks me to dance? Unfortunately, the answer is to go to the bathroom five times if you have to, reapply your lipstick, powder your nose, order more water from the bar, think happy thoughts, walk around the room in circles until someone notices you, make phone calls from the lobby to your married friends for encouragement—in short, anything but ask a man to dance. Dances are not necessarily fun for us. They may be fun for other women who just want to go out and have a good time. But you’re looking for love and marriage so you can’t always do what you feel like. You have to do The Rides. That means that even when you’re bored or lonely, you don’t ask men to dance. Don’t even stand next to someone you like, hoping he’ll ask you, as many women do. You have to wait for someone to notice you. You might have to go home without having met anyone you liked or even danced one dance. But tell yourself that at least you got to practice your rules and there’s always another dance. You walk out with a sense of accomplishment that at least you didn’t break your rules!

If this sounds boring, remember the alternative is worse. Our good friend Sally got so resentful of having to dance with all the “losers” at a particular party that she finally decided to defy the rules she knew only too well and asked the best-looking man in the room to dance. Not only was he flattered, but they danced for hours and he asked her out for the next three nights. “Maybe there are exceptions to the rules,” she thought triumphantly. She found out otherwise, of course. It seems Mr. Right was in town for just a few days on business and had a girlfriend on the West Coast. No wonder he hadn’t asked anyone to dance that night. He probably just went to the party to have fun, not to find his future wife. The moral of the story: don’t figure out why someone hasn’t asked you to dance—there’s always a good reason.

Unfortunately, more women than men go to dances to meet “The One.” Their eagerness and anxiety get the best of them and they end up talking to men first or asking them to dance. So you must condition yourself not to expect anything from a dance. View it simply as an excuse to put on high heels, apply a new shade of blush, and be around a lot of people. Chances are someone of the opposite sex will start to talk to you at some point in the evening. If and when he does, and you’re not having such a great time, don’t show it. For example, don’t be clever or cynical and say, “I would have been better off staying home and watching Brookside.” Men aren’t interested in women who are witty in a negative way. If someone asks if you’re having a good time, simply say yes and smile.

If you find all of this much too hard to do, then don’t go to the dance.

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