Speed Dating Events

Do I lift weights? Sure. Every time I stand up.

Boy, am I exhausted. I went on a double date the other night and the other girl didn’t turn up.

Your spouse should be attractive enough to turn you on. Anything more is trouble.

My wife and I have a great relationship. I love sex and she‘ll do anything to get out of the kitchen.

I wanted to marry her ever since I saw the moonlight shining on the barrel of her father’s shotgun.

A man without a woman is like a moose without a hatrack.

There are men I could spend eternity with — but not this life.

I learned about sex from my mother. I asked her where babies came from and she thought I said rabies. She said from a dog bite and a week later a lady on our block gave birth to triplets. I thought she had been bitten by a Great Dane.

When I got back from my third honeymoon, I just couldn’t understand why my husband wanted to come into the house with me. I was just about to say,”Thanks for a nice time“.

Women now expect men to watch them have babies.This is called natural childbirth.

It is said of me that when I was young, I divided my time impartially among wine, women and song. I deny this categorically. Ninety per cent of my interests were women.

Between them the two men had a sperm count smaller than Cheltenham Ladies’ College.

I knew Elizabeth Taylor when she didn’t know where her next husband was coming from.

I am ninety-five. I still chase girls but I can’t remember why.

From my experience of life I believe my personal motto should be “Beware of men bearing flowers“.

My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I’ve got another three goes.

Having a baby is one of the hardest and most strenuous things known to man.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

After lovemaking, do you (a) go to sleep? (b) light a cigarette? (c) return to the front of the bus?

My wife finds it difficult to envisage me as the end product of millions of years of evolution.

Divorce comes from the old Latin word divorcerum meaning “having your genitals torn out through your wallet”. And the judge said, “All the money and we’ll shorten it to alimony”

There is sex, but it’s not what you think. Marvellous for the first fortnight. Then every Wednesday, if there isn’t a good late night concert on Radio Three.

Woman is a primitive animal who maturates once a day, defecates once a week, menstruates once a month, parturates once a year and copulates whenever she has the opportunity.

When a woman on my show told me she had eighteen children because she loved her husband so much, I told her I loved my cigar too, but I took it out of my mouth once in a while.

If he tells you he likes black underwear, stop washing his pants.

I wouldn’t trust my husband with a young woman for five minutes and he’s been dead for twenty-five years.

When I fell in love with my wife, I thought those eyes, those lips, those chins. We had to go down the aisle in single file.

She was looser than an MFI wardrobe.

The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most trouble is sex.

My wife screams when she is having sex — especially when I walk in on her.

At whatever stage you apologise to your wife, the answer is always the same —”it’s too late now”.

Women: you can’t live with them and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.

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