Speed Dating Events

Remember: The key to staying alive as a stalking victim is to stay one step ahead of your stalker.

1. The first moment your intuition tells you that the person’s behavior is inappropriate, you should tell the stalker to and dear, “I want no further contact with you of any kind.” Even if he does not comply, you can tell the police that you have made your feelings clear to the stalker. Now his behavior can be considered harassment.

2. Avoid any further contact with the stalker. Sometimes this can be quite difficult. It might mean that you have to shop somewhere else, find new restaurants, even change your address. Many victims believe that they should not have to turn their lives upside down because of a stalker. I wholeheartedly agree, but until they can put all stalkers on an iceberg somewhere in the middle of Antarctica, your safety is more important than where you buy your groceries. This also means never, ever communicating with a stalker in person, on the phone, by e-mail or snail mail. Any contact, even if you’re screaming a stream of obscenities, can be interpreted by the stalker as a sign of encouragement.

3. Document all incidents. Get a journal and write down the time, date, and a description of every incident. Whether it’s a phone call or a sighting of the suspect parked in front of your home, make a note of it. Even if you don’t think it’s important, the police do. In order to charge a suspect with the crime of stalking, you need to show a laundry list of harassing behavior. Every little bit helps.

4.Notify the police. If the stalker persists after you have made it clear that you want no further contact, notify the police. It is best to visit to the police station and sit down with an officer to make the report, rather than having a police officer and patrol car come to your home, which can be conspicuous if you want to keep your case private. Be clear and calm. Bring all evidence and documentation with you. The police are there to help you, but you are the one who needs to facilitate your case. You need to work with the police in getting the stalker to stop his/her threatening behavior.

5. Save all evidence. This means that ugly teddy bear that he left on your doorstep, the dead flowers he left on your desk, even the stupid Post-it note he left on your car. Make sure you save any telephone messages on your answering machine or voice mail as well. All of this is extremely helpful to the police and aids in the prosecution of your stalker.

6. keep a camera and/or video camera with you. Snap his picture (a Polaroid is easiest) or videotape his antics on film. Remember, it’s your word against his. The more concrete evidence, the better. This does not mean that you should put yourself in danger just to get the shot. Use your common sense.

7. Keep an emergency contact list. Make sure you have an easily accessible list in your purse or glove compartment, or on your refrigerator door, of names and numbers that could be critical in your time of need. For example: the police officer or detective who has been assigned to your case, your attorney or prosecutor, and any neighbors or family who can assist you. And of course, don’t forget 911.

8. Notify family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers that you are being stalked. For a lot of victims, this can be uncomfortable or embarrassing, but your personal well-being should outweigh any awkwardness. If you have a picture of your stalker, make copies for your trusted friends, family, neighbors, and co-workers. If you know the suspect’s name, vehicle description, and work and home addresses, distribute that information as well. Your neighbors can be your eyes and ears when you are not home, your co-workers can ward off any unexpected visits from the stalker by stopping him at the door before he gets to you, and your family is an essential support group for you in an incredibly stressful and emotional time. Also make sure that your children are escorted safely to and from school. Notify school officials of your situation and make it clear that only authorized family members and friends are to pick up or drop off your kids.

9. Obtain a restraining order. This is a legal document from the court which restricts the stalker from contacting you or coming near you in any way. Violators are subject to arrest. This is a first step in getting your tormentor prosecuted for the crime of stalking.

But a restraining order is not always the answer. Sometimes, mostly in cases of domestic violence, this can be a catalyst to violence for the stalker. Even a simple piece of paper restricting the stalker from getting near his victim can provoke retaliation. Another problem with a restraining order is that the victim must list the various locations prohibited to the stalker—which doesn’t make any sense if the victim has just relocated and is in hiding. Filing a restraining order is something that should be discussed with the police officer or detective that has been assigned to your case. Bottom line: Proceed with caution.

10. Believe in yourself. Being stalked is traumatic. Many victims feel that they have done something to make the stalker behave this way. Remember: It is not your fault! Everyone in this world is responsible for their own actions. The prototypical stalker is emotionally weak and disturbed. You have done nothing to provoke this violating, destructive behavior. Stay strong, Chick!

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