Speed Dating Events

As with other principles of surrender, I wasn’t perfect when it came to shutting down my mind-reading habit. Initially, I just rechanneled it. I had a habit of “interpreting” my husband for other people. He would say something, and I would pipe up and tell them what he meant.

I actually thought I was being helpful, but in reality I was interrupting him, before he could get a sentence out. When we went for marriage counseling, I even tried to tell the therapist what he was saying! Obviously, I don’t recommend this. Now, I just get out the duct tape—double-strength, if necessary.

I also had the habit of reading his mind even if he was speaking it. For instance, when my husband said that he liked his new job, I didn’t believe him. I was noticing that he seemed drained and listless every night when he came home. I jumped to the conclusion that he was not being truthful. Later I told John that when a friend had asked me how he liked his new job, I had responded by saying, “He says he likes it.” I might just as well have said, “I doubt and disrespect him, and don’t put any stake in what he says.” Why would I want to give anyone that impression? How unattractive, insulting, and inhibiting for intimacy.

Today, I try always to take John for his word, even if what he says isn’t entirely convincing. Just as I “fake it till I make it” sometimes, he may be doing the same, and I certainly don’t want to contradict him. As it turns out, John didn’t much like that job and ended up leaving after a short time. Still, I respect that he tried to maintain a positive attitude while going there every day. My harping about how I could see he was miserable was unsupportive and therefore made it harder for him to keep his chin up during that difficult time.

Unless your husband tells you something directly, don’t assume it. Even if you’re a bona fide clairvoyant, reading your h_usband’s mind does little to enhance your relationship because nobody likes to be second-guessed. A scowl doesn’t always have to be about you. As much as we might like to think we know what’s going on in his heart and mind, we don’t. Imagining that we do is a waste of energy that could be better spent on our own self-care.

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